Mass Effect and the Philosopher's Stoned
by Rob DS Zeta
Summary: In which John Shepard, the first human Spectre, battles his need for privacy.


**Disclaimer: You already know that I don't own Mass Effect. NOBODY ON THIS WEBSITE DOES.**

_**Mass Effect and the Philosopher's Stoned**_

_Chapter 1 – Commander Shepard vs Bodily Function_

* * *

_At some point during ME1…_

John Shepard, the first human Spectre, the Hero of Elysium, the one destined to save the galaxy and stop a horrible genocide, was captain of the SSV Normandy. As a captain, he was technically able to go wherever he wanted whenever he wanted and bother whoever he wanted.

Too bad he couldn't get into the bathroom.

"Darn it, Kaidan! What the schnell are you doing in there?!"

"It's a personal matter, Commander!"

"…Kaidan, that's fluffing disgusting! Get the hill out here!"

"I can't! Not until I'm done!"

"Jeebus Lorenzo! Kaidan, I gotta pee!"

"Just… Just do it in the Mako's fuel tank or something!"

"I _am not_ peeing in the gosh darn Mako's fuel tank!"

"It's not that hard! I do it all the time!"

"…Whu-? What the funk? Why? HOW?!"

"All you have to do is stick your di-!"

"Kaidan! I swear to some higher deity, I _will_ pull a rank on you, override this lock, and flush your biotic derrière down that toilet!"

"…Actually, Commander, I think that'd just clog things, thus making a bigger problem."

"Really? Would it be bigger than the problem of '_my motherloving staff lieutenant is rubbing one out on the public toilet_'?"

"…What the f-! What are you talking about?"

"…What are _you_ talking about?"

"Uh… Nevermind! I'm sorry, Commander, but I can't come out until I'm finished."

"AAGH! Fine! I'm done! I'll go pee in a coffee cup or something! GOURD!"

And so John Shepard stole a coffee cup out of the kitchen and returned to his quarters, however…

"Oh, Commander…"

"Doctor Chakwas? Why are you in my room?"

"I was just… um…"

"Um? Well, hey, I don't care. I just need you out of here in the next fifteen seconds."

"Oh my, Commander, whatever is the matter?"

"Nothing, Doc. I just gotta pee like a rushing racehorse and Kaidan's being a pancake potato on the toilet."

"Oh, I see… So you're going do the deed into that poor mug, I assume."

"Errrr… Yeah. Now, if you'd be so kind as to abandon whatever escapade you were on in here, I need to squash this crisis on the way to bigger problems."

"Ah, well… Yes. I was just… uh… You see… You could always use the bathroom in the med-bay, Commander."

"There's a bathroom in the med-bay? Why didn't you say so?!"

"But wait! You can't use it."

"…but you just said-"

"It's locked. Only I have the passcode."

"Then come open it for me."

"I can't."

"…Why not?"

"Because… uh… Well… It's a funny story…"

"C'mon, Doc! I'm about to die here!"

"I'm hiding drugs in it!"

"…"

"…"

"I still have to pee. Get out."

"I can't."

"Doc…"

"John… I'm not moving."

"Jeebus Loren-! _Why the hall not?!_"

"I'm hiding drugs in here too!"

"…I should go."

"Yes, you should."

And so John Shepard went. He went to a place where nobody might find him! Unfortunately, that place just happened to be inside the Mako. Even more unfortunately, Garrus just happened to be there as well.

"Shepard. Need me for something?"

"Only for getting the heck out, Garrus."

"…Um, okay. May I ask why?"

"Nope."

"Oh… Well, uh… If it's about that thing with the Rachni Queen, then I-"

"I just mean out of the Mako, Garrus. Now scoot!"

"Oh… Can it wait a minute, then? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"NO! OUT! YOU! NOW!"

So Garrus left. John Shepard sighed with relief before tucking himself into the driver's seat and getting ready to let his Buick out of the garage, but then…

"Shepard."

"Not now, Wrex!"

"We gotta talk about that thing with the Rachni Queen."

"No we don't!"

"Yes we do! I don't think you understand just how much my people sacrificed to put those damn bugs to sleep the first time around!"

"Wrex, I swear on my name as captain of this ship that, should the Rachni rise again, I will personally shove an M-whatever Cain so far up their ass that they'll be puking explosions. Right now, though, I need you to go back to your skulking spot and _leave me alone!_"

"…What're you doing over there?"

"NOTHING."

"…Whatever. Fine, I'll go."

"Thank you."

"Oh, and Shepard…"

"What?!"

"Marblecake."

"You're a flying buttress, Wrex!"

"Yeah, yeah. Heh heh heh…"

"…Garrus! Stop watching me through the windshield!"

And the dinosaur turtle man with the horrific scar on his face walked away. John Shepard sighed once more, preparing again to finally get his business done. But, as you might expect, then…

"Hey, Commander."

"What the-? Requisitions Guy?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I got those Geth Armory licenses. Next time we're at the Citadel, we should be able to get our hands on a few pulse rifles."

"That's… uh… That's great. That's real great."

"Just wanted to let you know."

"Th-Thanks. I appreciate it."

"No problem."

"Okay."

"Sure thing."

"Back to your station, Serviceman."

"Right… I-I mean 'Yes, sir!'"

And then John Shepard finally-

"Shepard, I was wondering if I could discuss something with you."

"Maybe later, Liara."

"Oh… Okay then."

And then John-

"_Commander, we've got an incoming transmission from the Council._"

"Tell them to give me five minutes, Joker."

"_Uh… Okay. Also, Admiral Hackett was wondering when you were going to get back to him about that thing on Luna._"

"Tell him I'll get on it when I'm not busy saving the galaxy from total annihilation."

"_Roger that._"

"…Garrus! Get the fack down!"

And then-

"Hey, Skipper."

"Chief, no."

"Tali, what-?"

"The commander's busy. Don't disturb him."

"Huh…? Oh, that is so gross!"

…

"Narrator… I can't do it unless you say it."

I don't want to be interrupted again.

"You're the narrator! _You're the one making them come in!_"

No I'm not! In fact, I'm insulted that you would ever insinuate that I'm the one causing you all of this strife! How dare you assume such a thing, John! I thought we were friends!

"SHUT UP AND LET ME PEE!"

Fine, but this isn't over… Ahem…

And then John Shepard was _finally_ able to do his business into that poor coffee cup.

"Ahhh…"

With that done, he quickly zipped his fly and started making way for the comm room.

However…

"Commander, I was- Whoops! Sorry about that! Didn't mean to make you spill your coffee… and what's that smell?"

"Adams…"

"Uh, yes?"

"You just got laundry duty for the next year."

"Really? Shit."

* * *

**This might be the best thing I've ever made… or, at least, the most stupidly funny. XD**

**I'm going to keep throwing stupid skits into this whenever I feel like it. Stay tuned for more within the next couple of weeks.**


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